It’s that time of the year again! Happy Ho-lidays? Yikes, so sorry I stumbled into that and I ran with it. Sure it may be a long coveted tradition to celebrate Christmas this time of year, but as any Bravo fans know, December means two things: Real Housewives of Beverly Hills and Vanderpump Rules. Tonight, we were gifted with one of the two per the drama packed premiere of the latter.
Every year I find myself wondering what the degenerates of West Hollywood have up their sleeves in order to serve the dual purpose of extending their never ending tenures at a restaurant they don’t really even work at anymore, and for us viewers to witness what is sure to be some of the messiest hijinks seen on tv since maybe, ever?
Well rest assured everyone because served they DID. It seems as if the new cadence for starting off the season is based on planting a storyline rumor and seeing it play out. Keep in mind that this is the second year in a row that these rumors involve Brittany and Jax so it’s safe to assume they’re in a moderately insane relationship together. We see the immediate aftermath of the rumor which involves James Kennedy stirring the pot, Jax denying it and Kristen being well, Kristen. We then move forward (backwards) to the start of the summer setting up character arcs for the season to come.
To start off, we go along with Lisa to check in at Sur to find Jax and Tom “bartending” and Katie, Brittany, and Scheana “serving”. Jax lets us know that him and Brittany are doing great after spending some time apart post that Kentucky fried shitshow. Jax explains how great they’re doing by letting us know that his girlfriend is no longer “keeping postmates in business” and is actually up and working. My mind must have been playing tricks on me because for some reason I was surprised to hear Jax say some sort of low blow comment in regards to the LOVE OF HIS LIFE. Glad to see we’re lowering the bar even more this year, buddy. Next up is Scheana gloating about new-old boyfriend Rob (Amber Valletta’s brother) and it was at this moment that I paused and took a few minutes to search for the eyes that had rolled so far back in my head. Such a fool, that girl. Most importantly though, we’re gifted with a flashback of Scheana and Shay talking divorce last year, and Scheana with her hair up in that flashback gave me the strongest oompa loompa face vibes I’ve ever gotten from an actual human being. KUDOS SCHEANA!! Next loser up is Tom Sandoval talking about the restaurant Lisa partnered up with him and Tom 2 for and Tom inexplicably has a lisp in his testimonial so I truly didn’t pay attention to what he was saying. The gist of it is basically that Tom is nervous about the partnership and is hesitant about how much of an actual partnership it will actually be until he buys his share of it. We also have Ariana, whose storyline is her new haircut and that’s that. Ariana and Scheana chat about how Scheana hates Katie for the hundredth time after Katie rage texted her that she was pathetic. Scheana IS pathetic but I’m not going to give Katie any credit because I hate her too. Katie then *coincidentally* walks up, and Scheana tells her she’s uninvited from her party in which she was never invited to yet in the first place. Finally at Sur, Tom and Ariana speak about Tom’s hesitance in TomTom restaurant while Lisa and Ken eavesdrop on them.
Next up we zero in on Stassi and yet another new apartment. She’s either getting the shortest leases known to man or she’s the most indecisive person ever. Katie comes over and fills Stassi in on the Scheana drama and Stassi is somehow surprised at what has been a behavior pattern for these girls for years now. Stassi also lets us know that she’s back with Patrick which is moderately cringe-worthy considering we all already know that he dumped her on her birthday later in the season. Also wanted to note that Stassi seems to be back to her season one fighting weight and I’m liking it,
At this point we’re on to one DJ James Kennedy.Oh, James, how I revel in your ability to be such a delusional self entitled loser. He’s at his apartment with his friend Logan who I’ve seen on his Instagram for years now but just finally seemed to weasel his way into playing a supporting role. James explains how Logan is his substitute for Raquel while she’s away and not a minute after does Raquel sweep in and James gives Logan the boot. Then we touch back on the TomTom restaurant debacle but this time actually at the TomTom and with both Tom’s present. Nothing exciting happens and I wish Bravo would have spared us the boredom and left this on the cutting room floor. Same with the next few scenes which really serve no point in the storyline or entertainment purpose but I digress as I’m the one subjecting myself to said lack of entertainment. We move on back to Scheana but in her apartment and with her explaining how she’s rid her life of Shay and built herself a glam room in a sloppy 2 bedroom apartment. Great idea Scheana, really. Everyone’s getting ready for Scheana’s masquerade themed birthday party and while cutting in between each couple we stop at Tom and Ariana where Tom lets the cat out of the bag. Tom’s heard a rumor that Jax slept with Faith and is surprised by it which to me shows that Tom must not know his best friend one bit.
The episode comes full circle when we end up back at the masquerade party where it began. We’re shown everyone entering the party and that’s where we learn that Scheana made the password to her party “420”. She’s just… such a clown. Anyways, we see Faiths’ thirsty ass sashaying her way into the party ready to figuratively speaking, blow the party up. We’re also treated to Kristen for the first time all episode and it hit me that I miss crazy Kristen. New Kristen, go find old Kristen and don’t you dare show your face on camera again until you do. Bravo clearly feels the same way that I do as they’ve reduced your camera time to essentially a cameo in the premiere episode of what used to be a show you stomped all over. The party is juxtaposed with a dinner including current Scheana outcasts Stassi and Katie, and Tom Schwartz who leaves the dinner to head to Scheanas and shows us what his definition of loyalty in a marriage really is. Back at the party, Tom fills Jax in by telling Jax what he’s heard about him and Faith and per usual, Jax denies it. On the other side of the restaurant we see the beginnings of James messy pot stirring that we bore witness to in the opening scene in which I mentioned earlier. Faith does us the favor of explaining in full detail what happened with her and Jax and releases a bombshell in that this happened while she was caring for an 85 year old woman. Second bombshell is that she may be pregnant and while this is so clearly a ploy for attention and not true at all, I respect her for belittling herself to that level. This is Vanderpump rules, after all! Faith, we’re only one episode in but as of now you’ve earned yourself the title of most garbage person on the show and that is one tough title to earn babygirl.
And that brings us up to speed with where we started off. It finishes out the episode with a strong cliffhanger in which I’m giddily anticipating a messy, messyyyy fallout in next week’s episode. All in all, this was a strong start and I’m hoping that they’ll keep this up all season and that they didn’t blow their wad in the first few episodes. I’ve been fooled before, Bravo, so I’ll continue on with trepidation.
Until next week, everyone!